“This is could be one of the most historic moments in
physics since Einstein came up with his theory of general relativity,” said
lead scientist Dr. Johan Snidely. “According to everything we know about stock
donations this shouldn’t be possible, but we made it happen. We couldn’t
believe it.”
Scientists placed a standard planned giving stock donations
form in the LHC, which runs through a
tunnel 27 kilometres (17 miles) in circumference 175 metres (574 ft) beneath
the Franco-Swiss border near Geneva, Switzerland. The form particles were then
blasted through the LHC to collide with tax law protons at the other end of the
LHC at a speed of 2.76 TeV per nucleon. The positive results were a surprise.
Einstein’s theory says that gravity influences the atomic
level of most donations. For simple donations, the effect is minimal because of
the small amounts of mass involved. He theorized that larger, more complex
donations that involved bizarre and complicated stock transfers would be impossible
without blueshifting light and altering the space-time continuum. Collectively,
this effect is known as the gravitational fundraising shift. The law would seem
to rule out the use of mining stocks as a method of donation that would result
in a tax deduction for the donor.
“We assumed that our experiment would follow the
gravitational fundraising shift. When it didn’t, we couldn’t believe it. So, we
went back and re-checked all our equipment and tried again with the same
result. Then we had a nice lunch, went out to play a few rounds of golf and
then tried again and it was the same result once more,” said Snidely.
Snidely says it is too soon to say what the result means.
Scientists from around the world and the IRS will now try to duplicate the experiment
using other supercolliders.
“This result could mean many things,” said Dr. Eroll Denial,
a physicist from the University of Southern North Dakota. “It could possibly
mean’s Einstein’s theory is wrong. Or it could be that their detection
equipment is faulty. Or it could mean the Armageddon. It’s really hard to say.”
Other scientists say the finding has opened up new
possibilities.
“Everything we knew about tax receipting yesterday is wrong.
Now, it’s a whole new world. This is the greatest thing since sliced bread. It’s
a whole new world,” said Dr. Turner Funrer, a physicist at the Center for Mining Stock Fundraising at the University of
East Westland.
Snidely and the team at CERN caution that the findings need
to be studied. Answers will have to wait until science can come to grips with
the results of the test.
“Fundraisers should not attempt to build their own $1
billion, 17 mile underground supercollider to try and take advantage of mining
stock donations until we have had a chance to really study this. They might be
playing with fire and destroy the Earth by mistake,” he warned. “And you can’t
issue a tax receipt if there’s nothing left of the universe.”
In their next experiment, due to start next week, the same
science team will use the LHC to test what portion of a dinner gala ticket can
be claimed as donation.
